im so freaking confused

i hate my life. i dont know if i really like him. he cant stop thinking about me. i cant stop thinking about him, but for different reasons. we need to talk it out, but i dont know if i want to. i was so happy, but now i just dont know. i dont think im ready for this. i dont want to have to lie. but hes so sweet. i just dont know. this is worse than joe. and i thought that was bad. i mean, i was happy before him. but am i still happy? or am i worse? im too stressed. im worried about alot of things, and i dont know what to do. this is what ive wanted forever. but im not sure if hes the right one. this sucks.
now im dreading the meet next wednesday. but i love track and i want to do well. But how can i??? my head is about to explode. i want to go run and clear my brain and think, but its raining. at least if i go it will disguise my tears. im scared. i dont want him, but in so many ways, i do. i dont know if im ready.
Is this what i want? or should i wait? Laura and Zach are so happy together, and i want it to be like that for me. They can trust each other with everything. thats what i want. But i dont know if thats what will happen. should i? or shouldnt i? i dont think im ready for this. ill never see him. i dont want to have to go behind anyones back to do this.
im not like that.
this isnt me.